Its about time I tap into this venue of getting my shit out there. For whom? Myself. My spastic thoughts in one location so that one day I might be able to recall some possible sanity that I once have and seem to loose a fraction a day.

It has taken me the past year to come to grips with my ADHD. Ive been told I was since I was 6 by others. Whats the difference about this year? I finally saw the difference in myself and finally believed I was ADHD.
Belief. An amazing concept there. A concept we pour all of our individualized souls into. Beliefs of religion to the believing of gravity. Constantly reminded or not, they are always there and hold a true power in us for better or worse. We destroy civilizations for them, or group together with loved ones of similar beliefs. My point is hoping everyone is aware of their beliefs and to constantly evaluate them. I say this, for once I believed I was something different, a door opened allowing me to belief anything I've ever of similar beliefs of others. Most not necessarily true or good. I spent this year believing there was something wrong with me. Something in my mind that could be fixed and identified. I almost lost my loving girlfriend, dropped out of school, quit my job, moved to a different city on a whim, became homeless, and got into drugs trying to self medicate myself. All because I then believed thats what was needed.

Its taken all of that trauma, mixed with the love of an amazing girlfriend for me to realize nothing has changed but my beliefs. I am still the same person I always was. Different. Spontaneous. Trouble-making. Hyper. Loving. "dumbest smart person ever". The only thing I can be is myself.

I now see why an elderly couple would deny an offer for a courtesy ride from a from parking lot, and instead choose to walk. Fearing admission of becoming old. An admission to a belief can be a deadly determining factor.

Back to thy love life: She is amazing. No words can be justified in describing why I love her. I cant say its because of her stunning eyes, not her ability to make me laugh, nor all her quirky traits that attract me. A well thought out list is nice, but I dont believe any of those things can alone inspire love. Instead, I proudly say and BELIEVE that I love her for God-knows what. I dont know why we work, I dont know why she is the one, and I'm glad for I believe that means she really is the one. It's a strange concept I find myself struggling to grasp with an analytical mind desiring facts and evidence. Yet it is. Each relationship prior has always felt like a ticker was counting down the time in the background, always forcing boyfriend actions out of me. Rushed. Crazy. For once, I have found myself insepertable from someone. There is just us. I fail to describe the feeling. Its one of constant admiration mixed with "so-what?". Kinda like my mind knows this is something very special, but at the same time something that's not going anywhere. This anti-commitment, scatter-plot focused writer here could see myself married to this girl like it aint no thang. How's that happen when the thought of long term friendship can often be unappealing to me?

~my unorganized, off topic, A.D.D. thoughts...